Reclaiming Rest

For years, I had been operating with burnout- working continuously and too much while navigating the effects of childhood trauma. However, falling under the “high functioning” category probably made it unnoticeable for anyone who met me. And impossible for me to acknowledge. In August 2020, the effects piled up leading to a very dysregulated nervous system and debilitating anxiety which did not need tangible triggers anymore to make an appearance. It came anytime, with a crushing weight on my chest and body, completely immobilizing me, and making my heart beat shoot up to 110 beats per minute. All the coping mechanisms I had developed over the years suddenly became ineffective and breathing became a luxury. So at the age of 24, I quit 1 out of the 1.5 jobs I was doing at the time to create time to sit, reflect and actively apply all that I had learnt about self care over the years.

It was a difficult decision packed with self doubt. It took me a couple of weeks and lots of reflection to reach a place where I stopped applying to jobs and started saying no to any work related commitments. I questioned myself several times. People questioned me numerous times, asked me about my “plan”

Our actions are rated “productive” or “unproductive” depending on whether they have the capacity to generate money now or in the future. Subsequently, our self-worth becomes linked to our ability to engage in activities considered “productive”. Our indoctrination into this system begins in school. We are pressured to score high in academics. Because high marks = good college = high paying job = worthy of love, affection. And a high paying job is sold to us as the definition of success and subsequently happiness. The primary purpose while designing timetables for children is to schedule study time and incorporate breaks such that study time is maximized. Analyzing the articles on leading websites such as Forbes and Business Insider, McGath, speaks about how capitalism mandates that even our down time be used for preparing ourselves for more work. For the longest time, “extra” curriculars such as playing, dancing, singing, painting, learning instruments were largely looked at as inconsequential. There is comparatively more openness to them presently, thanks to their ability to now generate money. And so we go about doing these with perfection. But seldom are we introduced to an activity and given the space to do it just because.

Further, the inequality in economic and social opportunities depending on one’s caste, class, gender, religion; leads to the grind of capitalism affecting different groups disproportionately. Which is to say that marginalized groups- Queer, Dalit, Bahujan, Adivasi, Disabled, Neurodiverse people- bear the greatest brunt of it. The collective trauma experienced by marginalized groups further necessitates time for rest. To rest is to heal, to nurture, to resist. Neurodiversity – coined by Australian sociologist, Judy Singer – points out that there exist variations in the human brain with regards to sociability, learning, attention, memory, mood and other cognitive functions. These variations mean that the view of time as linear and progressive is limiting. The ‘normative’ view of time with 9.00-5.00 work hours, earning a certain number of sick leaves against number of days worked; does not serve those bodies and minds that differ from this view of normalcy due to disability or illness. This requires us to then acknowledge emotional distress as disabling in that it carries the potential to deter one from participating in the world’s view of ‘clock-time’ and hours of productivity.

As Alison Kafer says, in her book, Feminist, Queer, Crip, “Crip Time demands re-imagining our notions of what can and should happen in time, or recognizing how expectations of ‘how long things take’ are based on very particular minds and bodies. Rather than bend disabled bodies and minds to meet the clock, Crip time bends the clock to meet disabled bodies and minds”. It is an opportunity to slow down. It is a call to build communities, to share rather than to compete.

Growing up, we receive messages from the world and internalize them without a second thought. Everyday messages are like bricks that we take inside one at a time, adding them till they form buildings of various beliefs and rules about the world. The work then involves inspecting these bricks one at a time- where it came from and its usefulness in our life. And then taking a call about whether it is to be retained or removed. Alongside, looking for newer bricks and adding them one at a time to construct buildings of newer beliefs.

Ask yourself the questions on the left to understand how you feel about time, productivity and rest. Let the thoughts that emerge guide you to determine if your ideas serve you and then fashion your own true definition of productivity that resonates with the needs of your mind and body. Use the word bank on the right to nudge you along.

These days I look at trees after waking up. Eat really slowly, because that is how I best enjoy food. I take twice the amount I took earlier to complete the same amount of work. I go on very long walks with my dog. All the while whispering to myself that it is okay to rest. And refusing to apologise for being slow and lazy. I am finding ways to temporarily and in the longer run, work to live and not the other way round.

References:

Kafer, A. (2013). Feminist, Queer, Crip. Indiana University Press.
McGath, T. (2018, August 27). The tyranny of the workday: How capitalism colonizes your free time. Medium.